Current Theme Song (aka what's playing on my ipod right now): Use Somebody by 2CELLOS.
There is a fantastic, now long-buried series Sarah Beth Durst did when she was writing her Into the Woods & Out of the Woods books where she took obscure fairy tales and gave a dash of commonsense commentary to them. I highly recommend them. Who needs kittens when you can have a laugh out loud fairy tale story?
It has been so long since she had updated that I decided it was time to add to the menagerie. Bluebeard is both famous and at the same time really not. I was so creeped out as a child at finding the dead wives hanging up in the room like old coats. There was even a picture in my book, complete with trickles of blood running along the grout. Yeah, stuff for the not faint of heart. But is one that has stuck with me, so that is the one I want to do today...
Blue Beard (from Charles Perrault)
There was once a man who had fine houses, but was so unlucky
as to have a blue beard, which made him so frightfully ugly that all the women
and girls ran away from him.
Of course, with all that wealth no one could
have possibly recommended a good dye for him.
One of his neighbors, a lady of quality, had two daughters
who were perfect beauties. He desired of her one of them in marriage, leaving
it up to her which of the two she would bestow on him.
Hey, what’s one girl against another? It’s
like picking out cans of soup, right?
Neither of them would
have him, and they sent him backwards and forwards from one to the other, not
being able to bear the thoughts of marrying a man who had a blue beard. Adding
to their disgust and aversion was the fact that he already had been married to
several wives, and nobody knew what had become of them.
I love that the blue beard is their first and
foremost aversion. The rest can all be worked out. Long story short, he courts
both of them, and the youngest decides his beard may not be quite so blue after
all. No mention to the MIA wives. Glamor magazine would be so proud for putting
your priorities right.
As soon as they returned home, the marriage was concluded.
About a month afterwards, Blue Beard told his wife that he was obliged to take
a country journey for six weeks at least, about affairs of very great
consequence. He desired her to divert herself in his absence, to send for her
friends and acquaintances, to take them into the country, if she pleased, and
to make good cheer wherever she was.
Aww, perhaps the most amicable arranged
marriage after all. Especially compared to one where you’re not being nearly
eaten by a dragon and given away as prize money. Free reign of the house ain’t
bad.
Lots of keys (including all the stores of his
gold and treasuries, strongboxes, apartments and the whole shebang, oh yeah,
don’t touch that tiny key which leads to a completely nonessential part of the
house. Little key = bad, remember.
“Open them all” he told her. “Go into each and every one of
them, except that little closet, which I forbid you, and forbid it in such a
manner that, if you happen to open it, you may expect my just anger and
resentment."
“Anger and resentment?” So… no second helpings
of cupcakes after dinner kind of angry?
She promised to observe, very exactly, whatever he had
ordered. Then he, after having embraced her, got into his coach and proceeded
on his journey.
Her neighbors and good friends did not wait to be sent for
by the newly married lady. They were impatient to see all the rich furniture of
her house, and had not dared to come while her husband was there, because of
his blue beard, which frightened them.
Dude, this guy’s beard must be REALLY BLUE.
Like, neon blue.
They ran through all the rooms, closets, and wardrobes,
which were all so fine and rich that they seemed to surpass one another.
After that, they went up into the two great rooms, which
contained the best and richest furniture. They could not sufficiently admire
the number and beauty of the tapestry, beds, couches, cabinets, stands, tables,
and looking glasses,
On and on and on. You get the idea. Let’s
just say they liked the stuff. A lot.
They ceased not to extol and envy the happiness of their
friend, who in the meantime in no way diverted herself in looking upon all
these rich things, because of the impatience she had to go and open the closet
on the ground floor.
Wow, dude. Really? It hasn’t even been a DAY
yet. I get hungry slower than this. Go count the silverware or something. You
have the key to every strongbox in the house. Go on a vacation! Buy a ham!
She was so much pressed by her curiosity that, without
considering that it was very uncivil for her to leave her company, she went
down a little back staircase, and with such excessive haste that she nearly
fell and broke her neck.
Well that was sudden. You know, there are
some very emotionally passionate people in this story.
Having come to the closet door, she made a stop for some
time, thinking about her husband's orders, and considering what unhappiness
might attend her if she was disobedient.
No cupcakes and no ham, for starters.
But the temptation was so strong that she could not overcome
it. She then took the little key, and opened it, trembling. At first she could
not see anything plainly, because the windows were shut.
There are WINDOWS in this place? He is not
lacking for audacity, that’s for sure.
After some moments she began to perceive that the floor was
all covered over with clotted blood, on which lay the bodies of several dead women,
ranged against the walls.
Considering he married them all at different
times and being out in the open and all, you really have to wonder what state
of decay they are in. If not, this guy would own the market on embalming.
(These were all the wives whom Blue Beard had married and
murdered, one after another.)
Just in case you couldn’t piece it together
on your own.
She thought she should have died for fear, and the key,
which she, pulled out of the lock, fell out of her hand. After having somewhat
recovered her surprise, she picked up the key, locked the door, and went
upstairs into her chamber to recover; but she could not, so much was she
frightened.
The guests are apparently forgotten. Don’t worry,
I’m sure they can find their way out. Along with all those gilded mirrors and
tapestries and… No no, don’t trouble yourself. You just have dead bodies in
your basement and you’re probably next.
Having observed that the key to the closet was stained with
blood, she tried two or three times to wipe it off; but the blood would not
come out; in vain did she wash it, and even rub it with soap and sand. The
blood still remained, for the key was magical and she could never make it quite
clean; when the blood was gone off from one side, it came again on the other.
If it was magical, then why let her in at
all? There are so many Wizard Weasley Wheeze jokes you could pull with a
magical key like this! But hey, maybe he has a rule where he can’t kill them
until they look. Why not? We’ll go for that.
Blue Beard returned from his journey the same evening,
saying that he had received letters upon the road, informing him that the
affair he went about had concluded to his advantage.
After less than a day, including traveling
time. Let’s say the magic key has a magic homing beacon as well. And did anyone
check the silver?
His wife did all she could to convince him that she was
extremely happy about his speedy return.
The next morning he asked her for the keys, which she gave
him, but with such a trembling hand that he easily guessed what had happened.
"What!" said he, "is not the key of my closet
among the rest?"
"I must," said she, "have left it upstairs
upon the table."
"Fail not," said Blue Beard, "to bring it to
me at once."
After several goings backwards and forwards, she was forced
to bring him the key. Blue Beard, having very attentively considered it, said
to his wife, "Why is there blood on the key?"
"I do not know," cried the poor woman, paler than
death.
Lying is not going to help you at this point.
At this point it is most prudent to look for sharp, pointy objects to defend
yourself with.
"You do not know!" replied Blue Beard. "I
very well know. You went into the closet, did you not? Very well, madam; you
shall go back, and take your place among the ladies you saw there."
Upon this she threw herself at her husband's feet, and
begged his pardon with all the signs of a true repentance, vowing that she
would never more be disobedient. She would have melted a rock, so beautiful and
sorrowful was she; but Blue Beard had a heart harder than any rock!
"You must die, madam," said he, "at
once."
You heard the man. Not in an hour, not after
elevensies, at once.
"Since I must die," answered she (looking upon him
with her eyes all bathed in tears), "give me some little time to say my
prayers."
"I give you," replied Blue Beard, "half a
quarter of an hour, but not one moment more."
Oh, so apparently not at once. What a nice, psychopathic, serial-killing husband!
When she was alone she called out to her sister, and said to
her, "Sister Anne" (for that was her name), "go up, I beg you,
to the top of the tower, and look if my brothers are not coming. They promised
me that they would come today, and if you see them, give them a sign to make
haste."
Where on earth has her sister been skulking
to be in that kind of calling distance? Does she sleep with her under her bed? And of course, never mind about looking
for a window or knife or anything. Apparently you blue-boyed husband isn’t
guarding you while you say your prayers.
Her sister Anne went up to the top of the tower, and the
poor afflicted wife cried out from time to time, "Anne, sister Anne, do
you see anyone coming?"
Still waiting for that knife. Or handy rope
made of sheets. Oh course if she is on the ground floor it would be a hope skip
and jump out the unguarded window. But that would be too easy.
And sister Anne said, "I see nothing but a cloud of
dust in the sun, and the green grass."
Don’t worry your head about finding rope or
knife either, Anne.
In the meanwhile Blue Beard, holding a great saber in his
hand, cried out as loud as he could bawl to his wife, "Come down
instantly, or I shall come up to you."
"One moment longer, if you please," said his wife;
and then she cried out very softly, "Anne, sister Anne, do you see anybody
coming?"
And sister Anne answered, "I see nothing but a cloud of
dust in the sun, and the green grass."
"Come down quickly," cried Blue Beard, "or I
will come up to you."
"I am coming," answered his wife; and then she
cried, "Anne, sister Anne, do you not see anyone coming?"
"I see," replied sister Anne, "a great cloud
of dust approaching us."
"Are they my brothers?"
"Alas, no my dear sister, I see a flock of sheep."
"Will you not come down?" cried Blue Beard.
You should go down to your death. I mean, he
has asked politely three times.
"One moment longer," said his wife, and then she
cried out, "Anne, sister Anne, do you see nobody coming?"
"I see," said she, "two horsemen, but they
are still a great way off."
"God be praised," replied the poor wife joyfully.
"They are my brothers. I will make them a sign, as well as I can for them
to make haste."
It couldn’t possibly be any other two riders on the face of the earth.
At least this girl has faith, even if she doesn’t have an ounce of sense.
Then Blue Beard bawled out so loud that he made the whole
house tremble. The distressed wife came down
Voluntairly? You’re kidding me, girl. I think
you know what he plans to do.
and threw herself at his feet, all in tears, with her hair
about her shoulders.
That’s your last defense? Something else has
GOT to have crossed your mind by now.
"This means nothing," said Blue Beard. "You
must die!" Then, taking hold of her hair with one hand, and lifting up the
sword with the other, he prepared to strike off her head. The poor lady,
turning about to him, and looking at him with dying eyes, desired him to afford
her one little moment to recollect herself.
"No, no," said he, "commend yourself to
God," and was just ready to strike.
At this very instant there was such a loud knocking at the
gate that Blue Beard made a sudden stop.
He has excellent hearing if he is inside the
house.
The gate was opened, and two horsemen entered. Drawing their
swords, they ran directly to Blue Beard. He knew them to be his wife's
brothers, one a dragoon, the other a musketeer; so that he ran away immediately
to save himself; but the two brothers pursued and overtook him before he could
get to the steps of the porch.
Outside, apparently. Eh, who needs secrecy
now anyway?
Then they ran their swords through his body and left him
dead. The poor wife was almost as dead as her husband, and had not strength
enough to rise and welcome her brothers.
I’m pretty sure he is more dead than you.
Blue Beard had no heirs, and so his wife became mistress of
all his estate. She made use of one part of it to marry her sister Anne to a
young gentleman who had loved her a long while; another part to buy captains'
commissions for her brothers, and the rest to marry herself to a very worthy
gentleman, who made her forget the ill time she had passed with Blue Beard.
And all the newly-introduced deus ex machina characters (except Anne. But she didn't have a name until 3/4 of the story) all live happily ever after! :)
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